


A Vicarious Life

by tittysatan



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: I know the timeline doesn't match up, M/M, but that scene's the only part of this dang thing I actually like, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:40:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tittysatan/pseuds/tittysatan
Summary: Miller has always been the type to live for someone else's dream. After Big Boss fails him, that means a gaping hole in his chest, an emptiness that gnaws at him.For the first time since then, he finds someone he might be able to place his hopes on: Solid Snake.





	A Vicarious Life

It wasn't as though Miller hadn't realized the way Snake felt about him; he would've had to be willfully ignorant not to notice the way the cadet stared at him during lectures, or stammered when he was praised, or always sat near him in the canteen. Once he threw a friendly arm over Snake's shoulders just to see what would happen, and the poor kid got so flustered he could barely speak. _Cute_ , he thought, then mentally kicked himself for it.

And it was true that Miller been giving him special treatment, pushing him harder than the others, keeping him late for special one-on-one training, but there were reasons for that, although Snake seemed to have the wrong idea about what they were. His motives were entirely above-board, though he couldn't possibly explain them; he was just grooming the trainee to take down his father.

And of course he never found himself doing a double-take, transported for an instant back to the hot Colombian jungle, faced with the man who went from enemy to friend to enemy. He never projected that old anger and that old longing onto Snake, no, never started to say a different name before catching himself.

Miller was good at putting things out of mind. He'd had a lot of practice. So he determined to ignore Snake's little crush, treat him just the same as any other promising trainee, and wait for the whole stupid mess to blow over.

That plan was succeeding until the cadets dragged him along to the local bar for someone or other's birthday. He hung back, nursing a drink and watching his trainees get increasingly plastered, until by the small hours of the morning most everyone had stumbled out the doors. The sole exception was Snake. By some coincidence (or perhaps not, judging by the way Gray Fox had spent most of the night whispering in people's ears, glancing over, and snickering), he had been abandoned by his comrades, half collapsed across a table and snoring.

"Hey, wake up," Miller said, shaking Snake's shoulder. "Party's over, kid."

The snoring stopped abruptly, and a moment later Snake's eyes blinked open. "Master Miller…" he murmured, staring intently into his sunglasses.

"C'mon, everyone else is–" he began, only to be cut off as Snake leaned in and clumsily smashed their lips together.

Snake was kissing him. Badly.

"Don't tell me that was your first kiss," Miller sighed, pushing him gently back by the shoulders.

Blushing, Snake nodded.

"Oh boy," Miller muttered under his breath as the cadet leaned his head over to nuzzle and kiss the hand resting on his shoulder. "Kid, I'm almost twice your age."

"I'm an adult," the twenty-three-year-old muttered sulkily.

"That's not the–"

"Don't you like me?" Snake asked, staring up with impossibly sincerity.

_Fuck, he really is cute._

Miller groaned. "I keep trying to tell you, that's not the issue!"

"Then what is?"

"Putting aside the fact that the age difference is kinda fucked up, albeit not illegal–"

"I don't care about that!"

" _Putting that aside_ , you're one of my trainees. It'd be…unprofessional."

"Isn't drinking with us 'unprofessional' too? It doesn't matter."

_You're letting him convince you this is anything other than a terrible idea that can only end horribly, fuck, shit, you shouldn't have had that last whiskey._

Snake leaned in to kiss him again, just as clumsily as the last time, and Miller let it happen. He sat there in something of a daze, hands on the cadet's shoulders as Snake's arms wrapped around his waist, and very pointedly did not wonder if this is what Big Boss' mouth tasted like.

_It's not that he looks like him, it's just… It's anything but that._

"God, you're bad at this," Miller muttered. "Here, let me show you how it's done."

He took this lead this time, one hand on the back of Snake's head as he pushed his tongue into the young man's mouth, other arm hooking around his chest to pull him close. Barely a moment had passed before he felt something hard poking his side.

"S-sorry, Master…" Snake jerked back, trying to hide his growing erection.

Miller sighed, reaching out to toy idly with Snake's hair. "Kaz."

"Huh?"

"My birth name's Kazuhira. Kaz for short. Just for tonight, you can call me that, Dave."

_If I'm going to let this happen, the least I can do is call him by his real name, not the one he shares with his father._

"…Kaz," Snake repeated, tasting the syllable.

"Now let's go," Miller said, pulling Snake up with him as he stood. "The bar's closing soon."

"Wait, go where?"

"…my room," Miller muttered, heading for the door.

The walk back to base was less than a mile, but it felt like an eternity. Snake was plenty sober enough to walk, but he insisted on having Miller's arm about him nonetheless, and to make matters worse, he kept murmuring "Kaz…" and trying to kiss his neck, completing ignoring Miller's increasingly annoyed requests for him to cut it out. It was only when they were back on base that he stopped, aware even in his drunken state of how compromising it would be for them to be seen together like that. Fortunately, it was practically deserted. They managed to sneak back to Miller's room without being seen by anyone other than the perimeter security, who let them through with a nod.

They sat side by side on the narrow bed of the small, sparsely decorated room as Miller lit up a cigarette and took a deep drag. "…I didn't know you smoked," Snake said.

"Just a bad habit I picked up from…from an old friend." Miller stubbed the half-smoked cigarette out and kissed Snake, deeply, cupping his face in both hands. "Does the taste bother you?"

"Of course not!" the cadet said, kissing back, shifting to straddle Miller's torso and let his erection press into Miller's stomach.

"Down, boy," Miller murmured as he unbuttoned Snake's pants, taking his cock in his left hand, his real hand, and beginning to stroke. "I don't get what you see in an old washup like me, Dave."

Snake's cock twitched as Miller's husky voice breathed his name. "You're amazing, Mas– Kaz," he breathed, hands clenching in Miller's shirt. "You're so cool, and tough, and kind of scary but in a good way, and you're really handsome…ah!"  A moan cut him short as Miller worked a hand into his shirt, stroking the toned muscles beneath, pausing to caress his nipples.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Miller muttered under his breath between planting kisses on his student's neck. "I know I'm going to regret this, so I just hope you don't."

Snake didn't hear. He was too distracted by the feel of Miller's hands on him, hips jerking reflexively in time with his movements. "Ah, Kaz, Kaz…" he panted in that voice that was just like the other Snake's.

"Dave," Miller whispered in his ear, as much to remind himself as anything, before gently biting the earlobe and drawing it through his teeth.

"Kaz, I'm gonna…" Snake panting, pulling Miller closer to him as his whole body began to tense. Miller stifled Snake's moan with a kiss as he came, covering both their chests in cum and collapsing into his arms.

Carefully, Miller maneuvered them around to lie face to face on the bed, Snake still dazed and catching his breath. "So, Dave, how was that?"

Snake kissed him, less clumsily than before. He was a fast learner, after all. "It was amazing."

"Good. Now get some sleep, alright?"

"Get some sleep?" Snake repeated, jolting half upright. "But I have to make you feel good."

"Don't worry about that," Miller laughed.

"I'm serious! I'm not gonna sleep until you come."

Miller sighed. "You really are a needy one, aren't you…" But he _was_ hard, and it's not like a little more would make this situation any less damning than it already was. "Alright, turn your ass this way."

Snake shuffled around in the bed as Miller pulled his cock out, then worked Snake's pants down and off. "Don't worry," he said, sliding his erection between his trainee's thighs, "You'll still be able to walk normal tomorrow." Slowly, he began to thrust, burying his face in the nape of Snake's neck and running his hands over his chest and hips and thighs as he did so. "Dave…"

Snake lie on the bed in a happy daze of afterglow as Miller rubbed against him, until his own cock beginning to harden again as much from Miller's ragged breathing as the friction. He twisted around to kiss him, jerking himself off in time with Miller's motions.

"Are you seriously hard again already?" Miller muttered in between kisses. "Ah, to be young again…"

"I mean," Snake stammered, "you're just so…hot…"

"It's been a long time since anyone's called me that," Miller laughed bitterly.

"I'm serious! This is a dream come true for me."

"Dave," he said fondly, turning the cadet's face to meet his eyes. "Just be quiet for a bit, okay?"

"…yes, Ma– Kaz."

Snake was true to his word, and for a while the only sounds were the quiet rustle of fabric, stifled moans, messy kisses, until suddenly Miller came, muffling his moan in Snake's shoulder. The younger man followed a moment later, kissing Miller as he did.

They lay there in each other's arms, absently, until the sound of snoring tipped Miller off to the fact that Snake was already fast asleep. Chuckling to himself, he untangled his limbs from his student's and sat up on the edge of the bed, relighting his old cigarette and taking a drag as he stared up at the ceiling.

_Well, shit._

_I'm pretty sure one of the unspoken rules of being a FOXHOUND training master is 'don't fuck your students,' and I have definitely broken it._

_How the hell did I allow things to go this far?_

He looked down at the sleeping face of Snake –no, Dave– next to him, faintly smiling, and hated that he couldn't regret what he'd done. In the morning, there would be awkward questions about why Snake had never returned to the barracks, or worse if anyone caught him in the officer's quarters, but excuses could be made. People weren't too inclined to ask questions when it came to certain matters.

With a sigh, Miller stubbed out his cigarette and lay back down, spooning his student-turned-lover.

_I let this happen, so the least I can do is treat him right._

 

* * *

 

Sure enough, there were questions, and sure enough, no one pressed them too hard (though Gray Fox smirked and smirked.) It wasn't too difficult to pretend as though nothing had happened.

But in spite of what Miller had said, it wasn't just a one night stand. After that night, he couldn't help but find his eyes drawn to Snake, couldn't help but remember the sound of his moans, the taste of his mouth, the feel of his body. When weeks passed, with Snake doing nothing but silently blush whenever they crossed paths, he cornered him in an empty hallway and murmured, "you can come to my room tonight, if you want." By the time Snake processed what he'd said, Miller was already gone.

Maybe it was a sense of responsibility. Maybe it was just loneliness, pure and simple, or maybe an impure and projected desire. It hardly mattered. At least, that was what Miller told himself.

It was just past one in the morning that Miller's unlocked door eased silently open and Snake slipped inside, shutting it behind himself and standing there in his civvies, eyes flitting nervously around the room.

"C'mon, don't just stand there," Miller said, sitting down on the bed and patting the space next to him. "I'm a little surprised you came."

Hesitantly, Snake sat, leaving a tiny space between their shoulders. "I… I'm sorry. I got carried away because I was drunk, I really shouldn't have… I mean, you're my instructor, and…"

"If you wanna pretend it never happened, you can just say so," Miller said as lightly as he could mustered, pretending it didn't make his gut twist.

"No!" Snake cried, then seemed to catch himself, embarrassed.. "I mean, if you don't mind, I'd be happy…"

Miller tilted the trainee's head so that they were face to face, foreheads touching. "Do you think I'd have invited you here if I minded, Dave?"

"…you mean it?"

 _You were drunk and my student and it was my responsibility to tell you no, and I didn't, so I don't exactly have the right to act all holier-than-thou now._ No, that's not right.

 _I hadn't had sex with anyone in way too long, let alone an actual relationship of pretty much any kind, so I'm kind of starved for affection._ Nope, possibly even worse.

 _You're hot and I want to fuck you so hard you forget your own name._ Yeah, no.

 _You look like–_ He tamped the thought down before it could go any further.

"Yeah, I mean it," he said, and kissed him.

They fucked that night, Snake panting and moaning and clawing at Miller's back as he thrust. Tomorrow was a day off, after all.

After they'd both satisfied themselves, they lay crammed face to face in Miller's narrow military bed. "How'd you lose your arm and leg?" Snake asked, caressing the false limbs as he spoke.

The sensation that sprang to Miller's mind wasn't the pain of torture; rather, it was the solidity and security of Big Boss' back, when he believed it really was Big Boss who had come to save him. Almost more agonizing, in its own way.

"Just an old war wound," Miller muttered. "I don’t want to talk about it."

Snake hesitated a moment, then demurred. "…if you say so."

They talked about other things, both that night and the nights that followed, as Snake slipped into Miller's room after hours and back into the barracks before morning. Movies, and music, and books, and what they thought about, and their pasts; the things that made a life.

He wasn't identical to Big Boss, Miller was surprised to realize. Even if he had the same DNA, he was different. The things he cared about, the things he wanted, the things that scared him, were all different. This wasn't a man who wanted to reshape the world in his image; he simply desired happiness. Peace. A patriot, to be sure, not afraid of battle, but only for the sake of that goal.

When Miller was young, he was caught up in Big Boss' ideal so easily. He would have lived and died to make that dream come true. But now, after so much time and so much betrayal from the man he sacrificed everything for, he was tired, disillusioned, old.  The thought of a world made for mercenaries no longer enticed him. It was the immature dream of a man who refused to grow up and acknowledge that playing soldier didn't suit him anymore; a ridiculous thing for a military training master to think, but no less true for it.

Finally, finally, Miller had found something he wanted to hold on to in Dave. In this young promising soldier, he could place all his hopes for the future, for defeating Big Boss and the Patriots and war itself. Only in Dave's arms could he long for his namesake, _kazuhira_ , peace.

"I love you, Kaz," the cadet said once, quietly, as they were lying in post-coital embrace.

"I love you too, Dave," Miller said, holding him tight in the dark.

He was surprised to realize it was true. Not Snake, but earnest, naïve, besotted Dave.

 

* * *

 

Before Snake left for Outer Heaven, Miller made him promise to come back safe. He knew who was waiting, after all. He couldn't tell him, but he knew.

"Of course I will," Snake replied. "I was trained by the best, after all."

Miller couldn't kiss him, there were people all around, but he gave him a clap on the shoulder. "Damn right, you were. Now give 'em hell."

"Yes sir!" Snake saluted sharply, and climbed into the chopper.

It rose up into the sky, and Miller stood there and watched it, still staring long after it had faded into the distance and everyone else had left.

_I wonder if you'll hate me for not telling you, the same way I hated him._

_I wonder if you'll even know I knew._

 

* * *

 

In once sense, Snake did come back, unsmiling as he climbed out of the chopper into waves of applause for a job well done. In another sense, some part of him was lost on that mission.

"Just…hold me, okay?" he murmured, face buried in Miller's chest. "Just hold me."

Miller did, stroking Snake's hair gently until he fell asleep.

_Maybe he would've taken it better if I'd told him. At least then he'd know the whole story, instead of whatever bits and pieces he heard out there. I could still tell him now, but I… I can't lose the one good thing I have left. I can't risk your hatred._

_Dave, please, forgive me for being so weak._

_But you're better than me. You can overcome the curse of your bloodline, and find happiness outside the battlefield. It'll take time, but I believe in you._

* * *

 

Snake left FOXHOUND, and Miller couldn't bring himself to ask him to stay. The night before his departure they fucked, rough and wordless, Snake panting and gritting his teeth to stifle his moans as Miller thrust inside him. They both knew it would be the last time, even though neither of them said it. At this point, it was just sex.

Soon after, Miller left himself. He'd done what he was there to do, after all; Snake had learned everything he had to teach. He got married, then divorced, and tried to be a better father than he was a husband. He wasn't sure he succeeded.

When Miller was requested to act as radio support for Snake during the Zanzibar Land mission, he accepted. He'd long since given up on trying to rationalize his feelings. Whether he wanted to use Snake to bring down Big Boss or just hear his voice again, it was all the same at this point.

_I thought I'd lost everything, but as long as he succeeds, as long as he's happy, I'll always have that. That'll be enough._

They didn't talk about anything that had passed between them, of course. They couldn't. It was a mission, and there were more important things to worry about, even if that familiar voice made Miller's chest ache.

The mission was a success, more or less. Snake came home safe, at least. That was enough.

That was the last time they spoke.

All that was left for Miller was to leave his daughter to his ex, retreat to the frozen north, and wait for the inevitable.

_He'll be okay. I know he will. There's a future for him, outside of war and killing, a future of peace. A real family._

_I just have to hold on to that._

* * *

 

The curtain fell years later, in Alaska.

Miller returned to his house, carefully balancing his grocery bags to unlock the door and push it open with his shoulder, only to have his body tense at the unexpected scent of cigar smoke.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" Big Boss said, voice husky and overly familiar as Miller met his eyes. Not as young as he used to be, no, but no less handsome, a real silver fox.

"How the fuck did you get into my house," Miller muttered dryly, before shouldering past him. "You know what, I don't care, get the fuck out of my house."

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?" Big Boss asked, following Miller into the kitchen as he began to stow his groceries in the fridge. "And after I came all the way out here to visit you, no less."

"No one asked you to," Miller replied, not looking up.

"You know, Ocelot's been keeping me up to date on you all these years," Big Boss said, completely ignoring Miller's last statement. "I thought you'd be _dying_ to see me again."

A shudder ran up Miller's spine. "I don't give a shit what Ocelot told you," he snapped, "but if I never saw you again in my life, it'd be too soon. So to reiterate, get the _fuck_ out of my house."

"Are you really so smitten with my son, then?" Big Boss asked, smirking.

Miller dropped his groceries on the floor, eggs shattering, and punched Big Boss straight in the jaw with his prosthetic arm.

"Why are you even here?!" he spat, glaring at the man who had once been his idol. "What the fuck do you want from me?!"

"Fine, fine, I can take a hint," Big Boss muttered, rubbing his jaw sullenly. "Damn, that hurt… Anyways, I'm here to bring you back with me."

For a long moment, Miller couldn't even process what he'd said. "…you're kidding."

"I'm not! I want you to team up with me again, Kaz." He grinned, that same winning smile that once would have thrown Miller back to Costa Rica. But this time, the Alaskan winter didn't release its hold.

"After all this time?" Miller laughed. "After Afghanistan? You couldn't even be bothered to come save me yourself, then, but now you want me back."

Big Boss sighed. "Come on, you understand, right? I had to keep a low profile to avoid the Patriots. It's not like I left you there because I wanted to. And besides, Venom rescued you, didn't he?"

"…it's not the same."

"What, but in bed it is?" Big Boss laughed, and Miller barely held himself back from punching him again.

"Shut. The _fuck_ up. And get out. Of my house," Miller snarled, grabbing Big Boss by the collar.

Big Boss responded by bridging the space between them to kiss him. He tasted of cigar smoke and the tropics, heady and intoxicating, almost overwhelming as he pushed his tongue inside Miller's mouth. Nothing like Dave's kisses at all.

It was barely a moment before Miller shoved him away, wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"That's what you wanted, right?" Big Boss asked, seeming genuinely perplexed. "My body double, my son… They were all just substitutes, right?"

"Venom was one thing," Miller muttered, feeling that old shame rise in his gut, "but…Dave was different."

"He's half your age, Kaz."

"You don't have to remind me."

Big Boss frowned, crossing his arms. "You're really not coming with me, are you."

"Hell no."

"Then I've gotta warn you… We can't have you hanging around."

Miller froze for a moment, processing the statement. "…you're here to kill me."

"I was here to get you to join me again," Big Boss sighed as he pulled a gun from its holster, "but if you refuse, I don't have much of a choice. You're too much of a liability as an enemy."

"So that's it, huh?" Miller said with a bitter laugh. "I join you, or you shoot me?"

"Sorry it has to be this way," Big Boss said with a shrug. "I mean it. But we don't exactly have the setup for an impromptu decathlon here."

It was funny, almost, the reminder of the way they first met, the way Miller had first fallen for him, long before he ever realized what he felt was love. But decades had passed, and it was far too late to pretend things were still the way they had been.

"You know what? Fine," Miller said. "I've lived more than long enough for a merc. But I hope you live to see everything you fought for crumble around you, _Boss_."

"…is that your final answer?" Big Boss said, looking almost sad.

"Sure is."

"Well then." He raised his gun to point straight at Miller's forehead. "See you outside heaven."

"I hope not."

_Dave, please be happy._

_If I can watch over you from wherever I find myself, I will, but even if I can't I trust you have it in you. You were born for the battlefield, but that's not all you are. Even if it's just for a brief time, I know you'll be able to experience the joys of peace, of family._

_I wish I could have given you that._

_If anything I taught you lets you live until that day, that will be enough for me._

_I love you. More than him. So please, be happy._

These thoughts flashed through Miller's mind in an instant.

Then Big Boss pulled the trigger.


End file.
